I wrote this on 6/9/19 because I found myself in a dark cave – of life – and I didn’t know why.

• I’m Strong, that’s the way I want it to be
• I’m Strong, that’s the way it needs to seem
• but I’m not as Strong as I wanna be and somethings gotta change
• I’m Strong, least I’m looking for the way.

My life is good, in fact it’s great. I have a beautiful bride, two of the most awesome, respectful girls, a great job with tons of autonomy where I can do great things. I’m involved in church, doing great things that have a lasting purpose. AND for the last two months, I’ve slowly slipped into a cave.

About three weeks ago, my bride and I had a good talk. I had been fighting that sinking feeling. I was always a short kid with big ears and front teeth. I fight with my brain and words. I out think a bully, like a Smart Ranger. Normally, I can fight/think my way out of anything. But not this time.

This time was different. This time, I had to do something different. This time I had to submit in order to shift my direction. It’s like waking up one morning in a pool of quicksand. The more I thrash and move, the faster I was sinking. The funny thing is that for the longest time, I didn’t even realize I was in the quicksand.

By simply saying, “I’m not good.” I noticed the sinking stopped. It didn’t go away, I just was able to stretch out on top of the quicksand by not thrashing. I hate complacency. I hate giving up. It’s not in my vocabulary and is still not. What I figured out is that being grateful is not the same. Being grateful is being able to pause, to be able to talk to those who love you.

I’m grateful for my bride. I’m grateful for my girls. I’m grateful for my job. I’m grateful for my church. I’m grateful for my F3 brothers. I’m grateful for my shield lock, who holds me accountable.

Last night, String Bean and Pied Piper met me for an adult beverage. Just talking to my brothers who love me was awesome. It was needed. It was like knowing my brothers are there with those super long poles laid across the quicksand. They aren’t getting in with me, because I don’t need them in the quicksand with me. I just need to know that I don’t have to fight, because my brothers are there to lock shields and cover me when I’m vulnerable.

I hate being vulnerable. I hate not being strong. What I have found is that as a man, I need other men to help me when I’m in a cave. I can’t rely on my bride to get me out. She is there to help tell me when I’m being an ass. She does it nicely most of the time. I love her and also don’t want burden her. Instead, I need my brothers.

Being vulnerable in a Circle of Trust is different. Being vulnerable in a Circle of Trust seems to be my way…to be Strong. Being Strong is a journey, that needs to be made with other Strong men.

In the gloom,

Bono